Hi, it’s me – The Truth. You probably remember me from the days of fact checking, local journalism and the difficult things you thought about yourself in your last relationship. You might be wondering where I’ve been just recently what with all this hullabaloo about a new American President and whatnot.
The truth is (see what I did there?) I’ve been taking a sabbatical because lately you have decided to give way too much attention to my nemesis.
Things came to a head when Kellyanne Conway was appointed as one of President Trump’s advisors. You may not know this but Kellyanne studied at Oxford University in the UK and guess who was also in her class? That’s right – me.
You would think that us being in a class together means Kellyanne Conway is no stranger to The Truth; not so. Despite trying to get her attention around campus, despite complimenting her on her super-straight American teeth, despite trying to join her debating team, she snubbed me. Each and every day in college I was snubbed by the popular girl and I’m still pissed as hell at her.
In the refectory (which she insisted on calling the ‘cafeteria’ – wrong!) she would regularly push in front of me, without the slightest acknowledgement, in order to steal the last few bread rolls. She would claim to the staff that she had a wheat deficiency and she needed bread to live. She both sullied my name by claiming this was the truth and, at the same time, deprived me of valuable carbs. Who does that?
In the debating team she would regularly argue that up was down, black was white and that Scrappy Doo was a valuable contribution to cartoons. All of these things sullied my name and I had no right of reply because she ignored my applications to join consistently.
Oxford is a small city with beautiful spires and well tended green spaces. I remember a sports club social one Saturday where we were on opposite teams. She never even made eye contact with me. Her team went on to win that afternoon despite the fact that my team had won more points. Apparently the ‘system’ meant victory belonged to her team. I swear I was in the mind to massacre her and her team right there on the bowling green but I didn’t. Despite her being odious, no one did because that would have been wrong.
When I came back to America after college I tried to reach out to Kellyanne several times. I just wanted to be accepted but Kellyanne couldn’t accept The Truth, even when I referred to myself in the first person. I invited her to a brunch I was having with my friends Charity, Empathy and Trust but she didn’t even have the decency to reply. (To be fair, Decency has been ill for a while and we are worried she isn’t going to make it.)
So I’m sorry if I’ve been in short supply recently but if the President appointed your nemesis, wouldn’t you fuck off for a while and leave everyone else to pick up the slack? This really was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I used to be valued. I was the one who enabled humans to walk on the moon because, guess what? The earth isn’t flat. I was the one who taught society that money doesn’t equal happiness. I was the one who exposed Watergate and led to the impeachment of a President. That’s the power I used to have. That’s the power I still hold should you wish to look me up.
So where am I now? I have a very beautiful apartment in Nottingham, England. It’s not too far from the statue of Robin Hood and we have gas lighting here (actual gas lighting in the street not the sort Kellyanne uses).
If you want me back then you will have to get rid of Kellyanne first. It’s my way or Kellyanne Conway. Never the twain shall meet.